ButtFlute

The 1800's were a wild time. You really can't imagine.

Good Marx, Bad Marx Grey XL

A Cricklesnapper. This tool was used for plucking feathers from the now extinct Gumma-by bird (Clangeo Langapus) found on the Isle of Contrite off the southern coast of New Zealand, which sank into the sea in 1832. These feathers were popular in the orient for purposes not quite understood, but beleived to be rather risque, perhaps obscene by western mores. The Czarina Maria Alexandrova was scandalized by unknowingly wearing one such feather in an easter hat, possibly placed there by a subversive from Trelnost. The dissapearence of the island, along with every living example of the Gumma Bye bird, was thought to be done in revenge for this slight. It is supposed that this small feather scandall eventually led to the downfall of the Romanovs, Germany's defeat in WW1, etc.

Good Marx, Bad Marx, XL Grey

Don't be put off by the seemingly crude appearence of this device, for without it the astronauts would have never reached the moon! This an artificial orange squeezer that was used to make Tang, the delicous vitamin packed space drink you can enjoy right here on earth, if you have a taste for watery sickly sweet orange colored sand. I can't describe exacltly how it worked, because thats still so classified, even Snowden won't tell us. I think it was fitted to a space boot, and the artificial orange was stomped on like they do grapes when they make wine.

T-Shirt: Jinkies look at this, XL Blue

That is a guitar pick for 'Inner Core' heavy metal. The heaviest of heavy metal, played by men in six inch rubber suits on Nickel Iron guitars charged with 10,000 volts. The most famous of these extreme metal bands; 'The Daisys' usually suffers one fatality each performance.

T Shirt: Jinkies fellows, look at that! Blue XL

Not an apple corer. Its a 'Mandolin Tuner', invented by Victor Npoxpobk, who hated mandolin music. He actually passed himself off as a mandolin tuner until he was arrested for wanton destruction of private property. Died in a mental institution in Keiv, 1931. I think this picture comes from the National Mandolin conservatory in the same city.

T Shirt medium, Diagram of Time and Space

Its a Cheese De-Grater. You insert grated cheese into the holes and opened it by pulling the top handgrips apart and presto, whole cheese. Never caught on though, inventor committed suicide.

T-Shirt, Don't Blink, Grey Med

Dinosaur traps. We used to use them for animal feeders back on the farm, but gosh darn it (Excuse my French) every durn day or so they'd be all clogged up with big ol dinos! Sometimes a triceratops, sometimes that funny lookin' bony headed one, once it was a T-rex, though it was only his foot. Had to get rid of them (the feeders) and teach the cows to use vending machines.

When worlds collide blue Med

Its the first version of the modern fingernail clipper. It worked but needed lots of adjustments, but it cut all your fingernails at once. The toenail clipper design never worked well though.

T shirt Blue XL 'Remember little zombies, no running'

I used to sing along with the theme song:

'We went out west to find the best,
instead we found Bananas!
Banananas here, bananas there, bananas everywhere!

Am I the only kid who di this?

No thanks. The hands on the rim is so wrong. If I wanted a beer that was pumped into a container I would buy a can of beer.

Meanwhile, no cure for cancer yet.

Its a souvenir for death row inmates.

I'm as much a homophobe as anyoy red-blooded amurican, but the whole idea of curing any desease is to reduce suffering. Aids is a terrible way to die, slow and horrifying, and I see no purpose or justice in it.

THat should have been Gotha bombers. Sorry.

It was a top secret spy tool for Nazi fifth columnists. By following these specific directions at a specific speed at night a flight of Gatha bombers could locate the vital rail marshaling yards in Dayton Ohio. It was discovered by Hoover himself while infiltrating a nazi spy ring disguised as torch singer in a nightclub called the the 'Lavender Lover'. Several suspected nazis were arrested and held for questioning, then later hung. Hoover got a medal from Roosevelt for his bravery and daring-do!