Do Children Owe Anything to Their Abusive Parents?

Forgiveness can be VERY difficult, but if you can muster the strength to do it you can unload most, if not all, the bad feelings you're carrying around for the offender, whoever they are.

Parents' offenses, real and imagined, are particularly difficult to forgive but all the more important to do so. I've known too many people who've allowed their parents to die without any resolution and therefore doomed themselves to live out their lives dragging around all the bad memories and hurt feelings. No one should have to do this if they can avoid it.

good post!

They don't owe those parents a thing. My parents were abusive (nothing for the record books, but emotionally and sometimes physically), and have disowned me because of their cultish religion. You can say I've forgiven them, because I've just let it go and don't dwell on it, but I have not forgotten.

I worked as an aide in special education many years ago, and I recognized that going through life hoping to be loved by those who cannot is a drain on you. You will NOT get resolution by forgiving and caring for them. The great majority will not change and you will only open old wounds by dealing with them.

I'm struggling with this right now. My father was the alcoholic abuser, and my mother let him physically and emotionally abuse herself and us kids. (She had multiple opportunities to leave, but didn't.) I turned out pretty well; unfortunately, my brother has behavior similar to dad's.

Dad is dying, but he is still verbally abusive; if he had the strength, he would be physically abusive. My mom can't understand why my brother and I still resent Dad's abuse, and her neglect to do anything to save us. She also engages in a fair amount of revisionist history in discussing the past (and no, she does not have dementia).

I've been working with a counselor on this topic, and what we've decided is that - no matter Dad's or Mom's behavior - I have to be able to handle things in a way that I can look back and be proud of my behavior. Maybe someday I'll get to a place of forgiveness, but as for now, I am settling for behaving in a dignified and decent way towards my abuser and his helpmate.

Why does everyone post so many words? As the question is asked:

No.

I'll never forgive this person for robbing me of my childhood. I do still have good memories from back in the day, but they are mostly shadowed by the horrendous abuse I went through.
Some things are just unforgivable.

Since Alex has attributed this post to my suggestion, I suppose I ought to say something more. I'll apologize in advance - so sorry. In general, I'm interested in the contrast between living in a hyper-individualistic culture, that is also a pressure cooker of conformity. We want to allow for differences in people of all sorts... while telling them how to behave, how to feel and what to think. As an online community and in general, we're narrowly broadminded and opinionated.

Whether voluntarily in life, or in death, we're loosed from our anger toward the people in the past. Acceptance and resolution are inevitable as we're shaken from our grasp of everything we thought was important in life. I haven't 'let go' as much as just gotten old and my anger faded with my memories. The diagnosis of cancer and chemo helped that process along. Forgiveness is another matter, preferable maybe, but not necessary. I have one (enabling) parent left; I'm trying to decide what is the right thing to do. I'm inclined to do nothing but I was amazed at how many of my friends were mildly horrified by my silence and apathy toward my mother. Those friends are also parents. I read the words 'the tyranny of the self-help culture' with some interest and let that roll around in my brain for awhile. But apart from the self-helpers/religious, I wonder how much of the pressure on others to 'reconcile' comes from parents, horrified at the idea that their children could walk away from them as adults and never return. As parents, even if they avoid their parent's mistakes, they'll make plenty of their own. What will the price be, they wonder? I strongly suggest they teach their children to 'forgive' early on, that human beings make mistakes and that parents are only human. I come from a long line of grudge holders and they're rather proud of it too. Forgiveness, whatever that means, was not an option.

tl:dr - I can't blame you

Answer: No, they don't owe the parents anything.

This post makes me grateful that I have good and loving parents. This post also reminds me that my conduct as a parent - what I do or do not do - has immense impact on the lives of my children.