The notion of an arranged marriage seems so foreign to the Western world that it evokes an image of a time long, long ago - but the tradition is alive and well in certain parts of the world.
In India, arranged marriages take place alongside "love marriages" - and both seem to be acceptable to society there.
Swati Pandey of the LA Times recounts her experience attending one such arranged marriages, of her cousin Garima to a man she had just met:
LinkAll of it -- the years spent selecting a suitor, the final minutes of anticipation, the newness of the couple, a man and woman not shaped by former loves and heartbreaks -- was romantic in a way I hadn't expected. Growing up in America for all my 25 years, I'd long ago given up on the tradition, but by midnight, I had started to wonder.
What I never realized, as a googly-eyed adolescent who had imagined eloping with a George Clooney type, was that "love marriage," as many Indians call it, is the aberration.
Arranged marriages are common in countries and cultures that came belatedly to Romanticism and rock 'n' roll and whatever else gave rise to what we call youth. It's difficult to quantify them because the term is such a broad one -- encompassing a childhood betrothal and a parent's mere suggestion of a vetted match.
But marriage, even in "Western" forms, isn't just about love and attraction - or it shouldn't be, and it hasn't always been. If marriage is just about love and attraction, then it's time to get divorced once one or the other runs out, or temporarily dries up.
Marriage even in the western sense, while not arranged, used to be about children, parternship, co-operation, hard work, sense of duty, and obligation. That is why our parents parents were able to be married for 50,60,70 years. When love or attraction dried out, they knew/understood/realised/whatever that there was more going on, more reason to stick with it.
I know several people who are in arranged marriages, and when asked, they talk about how you can 'learn to love' some one, about how you grow to appreciate another human being, about how just like every other family member you didn't choose but somehow love, it is the same with a pre-chosen spouse. Many of the people I know who are in arranged marriages have the happiest, healthiest, most open marriages I know.
And to use the excuse that women in arranged marriages are unloved and abused, I say that there are probably JUST AS MANY women in non-arranged marriages that are unloved and abused. The abuse comment is a weak one that discriminates culturally. Just because the marriage is arranged, does not mean the culture condones such actions.
I don't feel the same way about arranged marriages involving young girls and older men, however.
Not to mention lots of religions in the USA still practice arranged marriages (especially if they also polygamy it seems).
I can give each and everyone of you a million couples each to prove that it works out.
Parents don kick out their kids here in India once the puberty fairy pokes em.. The kids grow with the parents till they are found a suitable bridegroom and since many have the horoscopic kinda minds..they match these horoscopes and find the right time to get the couple married and also the right time to tie the knot as well as right time to go to bed (1st night)..
its been goin on like this since ages and will go on..
hmm..u can kinda say that its the guy/gal's wish to get married to the right guy and stuff.. I agree to that.. Its a mix now.. children have the right to choose whatever they want..so, both arranged marriages and love marriages go on here..
try this link, itl show u the difference between an arranged and a love marriage in a funny way...
http://somedrops.blogspot.com/2007/07/love-vs-arranged.html
The problem lies with what does happen when some girls/women do not want to go through with the arranged marriage. Some, even in places like the UK, are severely punished, even killed for their refusal.
Arranged marriages might still work in specific circumstances: when both the future bride and groom are still willing. But in today's world, that is less and less often the case.
http://www.indianpad.com/story/15119
"And to use the excuse that women in arranged marriages are unloved and abused, I say that there are probably JUST AS MANY women in non-arranged marriages that are unloved and abused. The abuse comment is a weak one that discriminates culturally. Just because the marriage is arranged, does not mean the culture condones such actions."
I never said that women in non-arranged marriages aren't abused. And I don't think the abuse comment is a weak one. In our community, there is a large East Indian population. In the last few years alone, there have been a number of young women killed by their husbands. Many (if not all) of these were probably arranged marriages. The warning signs were there, but the women couldn't leave. Heck, the most recent story in the news right now is about a husband who was convicted of stabbing his wife 39 times because he claimed she threatened to leave him. And what's even sadder is that her father, while pleased at the outcome of the trial, seemed surprised at the conviction, as though such a thing would never happen back in India. It's always the woman's fault, you know, because she's... well, not a man.
As for marriage not just being about love and attraction... well, times change. Our parents' parents may have stayed together for 50+ years, but they didn't really have a choice. And if marriage is only about the other things you mentioned (partnership, co-operation, hard work, sense of duty, and obligation), then it's not something I want to be a part of. What's the good of all that if you hate your spouse? You have to be loyal to them even if they're an ass? And as for kids: you don't raise children for 50-70 years. If there's no love holding two people together, why should they be miserable trying to hold a broken marriage together once the children are raised and gone?
Oh, I remember. It's because God said so... right?
Well well, it seems we are from the same part of the world - we are both from Vancouver.
And while there has been a large amount of highly publicized domestic abuse/murder cases here, there are some things you should note:
Just because they are all brown ppl does NOT mean that they are all Indo-Canadian. The lady who was an elementary school teacher who was murdered? Ismali Muslim. Not from India, generally from Africa. And, all the Ismali Muslims I've ever met, had "love marriages".
And just because the media likes to jump on the bandwagon of those who are murdered who are brown, what about all of the many many women in Vancouver/BC who are murdered by their boyfriends/husbands that isn't huge in the news?
What about the white woman who was shot in the face and left wrapped in a mattress on Powell street 2 years ago? She was a tugboat operator, murdered by her boyfriend. That wasn't in the news, I know about it though b/c my boyfriend at the time, his mom worked with her and knew her.
Or what about that man who murdered his wife then himself on the Island last year? I believe they were white - and likely a love marriage.
I know alot about domestic abuse issues - ESPECIALLY in Vancouver, b/c I work in this area, and am a past victim myself.
I'm not saying that there is a Vacuum of abuse in arranged marriages. But I am saying that especially due to the publicized cases here, in my field of work, we have seen A LOT of racial profiling, discrimination, and unjust assumptions made becuase of a few highly publicized cases. We see women "trapped and unable to divorce" of every colour and stripe, with every type of marriage.
I know people in Vancouver who have had arranged marriages. The concept of arranged marrige works for those in a different cultural paradigm, different mindset about family and different mind set about love.
I'm not saying it's for anyone, but the way you talk about it is as if it's a failure for everyone, that it's a terrible thing. And it's not all the time. There are many people who chose it willingly, and are very happy.
Here's a post someone made on another forum (about domestic violence amongst Indian relationships) that sums it up quite well:
i was once asked by a white woman, who positioned herself as an expert on india based upon her 2 week vacation to the sub-continent, if dv was/is more prevalent in india because of the custom of arranged marriages. obviously, her question is incredibly flawed in many, many ways. it also shows a complete lack of understanding of what dv is. yes, it can be generally said that there is perhaps more public awareness of the negative consequences of dv in the U.S. vs. India BUT this does not negate the fact that the same patterns of gender oppression that exist in India -exist in the US. This sort of odd 'faux multiculturalist' thinking is obviously v. v. dangerous as it absolves americans (as well as good middle class south asians) from "tending their backyard"- and allows for righteous and condescending finger pointing, such as: "these poor third world women they are soooo oppressed" OR "these poor peasant women they are soooo oppressed."
We dont even know the person at all but we have to stick thin and thick with that person.
It will only be BONDING, NO LOVE. Even if years to come,you might come to think that if you are given the option for love marriage,you might bump into someone who is better and can communicate with you better.
Though I know that our parents are great as they raise us up but we are the one who is going through the marriage cycle not them.
I will always opt for love marriage even if it failed at least I have loved before.
My name is Mansi and I am an intern for Dr.Robert Epstein. He is currently researching involving arranged marriages. Hence I was wondering if you knew of any couples who have had an arranged marriage and would like to answer few questions. Please note, that I am only looking for couples that have had successful arranged marriages. If so, then please contact me at mansithakar@gmail.com.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Mansi
.
I read your views on Anti Weddings, and think you would be a good guest in our programme. We're filming either Thursday Feb 26 between 12:30 and 3 in our Aston Birmingham studios.
Would you be interested in participating?
Look forwrard to hearing from you,
Sanyya
ALL THE BEST!!!
my name : Nirmala
but my marriage love marriage and arriage marriage
that imformation i want
my parents don't like my lover bcs he is from different caste...bt our religion is same...when i said my parents abt my lover wat they said me is i must break up with him..and must marry the guy they chose to me....nw i am studyg..and hav 2 depend on my parents for it.....my mam even lied 2 me abt my guy tht he is bad... the main reason tht they wnt allow me 2 marry him is bcs they wl lose prestige....as prestige is more important 2 them than my life.....he is just one caste lower thn mine....and i cnt live wthot him as he is dissolved in my blood.....2 forget him is somethg like i must end my life.....so wat u guy's opinion?????? do u wnt me 2 obey my parents or i marry the guy i love?????