no. 957 - @AndyRichter
HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS: Call someone and have them come pick you up.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 18, 2013
no. 950 - @shkeeber
Omg, I'm a huge fan!-Windmills
— Shkeeber (@shkeeber) June 8, 2012
no. 949 - @jimmy_sharpe
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
— James (@jimmy_sharpe) September 17, 2012
no. 948 - @Mothpete
I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
— The Shark Knight (@Mothpete) February 23, 2012
no. 947 - @aparnapkin
Any pizza can be a personal one if you cry while you eat it.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 19, 2012
no. 946 - @andylassner
So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.
— andy lassner (@andylassner) June 23, 2012
no. 945 - @robdelaney
Why Google Sinatra when you can “Bing†Crosby! #LOL #Terrific #KONY2012
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 25, 2012
no. 944 - @wwwesty
I read a tragic children's story this weekend. It was about two books telling a young screenplay that it was adapted.
— Westy (@wwwesty) August 15, 2011
no. 943 - @ChaseMit
Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a claymation skeleton who fell into a pile of feathers.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 8, 2013
no. 942 - @johnmoe
I think I have restless leg syndrome. I'm trying to sleep but my leg bought a Harley and took off to "find out what America really IS, man."
— John Moe (@johnmoe) August 22, 2010
no. 941 - @Paxochka
I'm drawing a chalk outline around my sex life.
— Pax Paxochka (@Paxochka) February 20, 2013
no. 940 - @shariv67
When I met Lena Dunham, I couldn't stop dressing her with my eyes.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 18, 2013
no. 939 - @rolldiggity
Me? Just throwing magnets at strangers in the park to try to expose robots.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 14, 2013
no. 938 - @yaelbt
Reading a book while walking: obnoxious if you are an adult, adorable if you are a kid
— Ybt (@yaelbt) September 29, 2012
no. 937 - @barneda
Sometimes love is out to get your scalp.#valentinesday
— David Barneda (@barneda) February 12, 2013
no. 936 - @AristotlesNZ
Mom, Dad, I'm a gatherer. -Caveman coming out to his parents.
— Aristotles (@AristotlesNZ) January 30, 2013
no. 935 - @StellaRtwot
I think there's finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
— Denise (@StellaRtwot) January 27, 2013
no. 934 - @imaliwaller
Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.
— ali waller (@imaliwaller) February 14, 2011
no. 933 - @RorynotRoy
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."
— Rory (@RorynotRoy) August 19, 2012
no. 932 - @donni
Oh, macaroni, you'd be lost without the cheese and you know it.
— donni(@donni) January 2, 2011
no. 931 - @bdbdleeroybrown
“The Force†is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?
— Bad Bad Leeroy Brown (@bdbdleeroybrown) November 20, 2011
no. 930 - @VeryShortStory
Upset by the bad grade, Martin threw the homework across the classroom. He was put in timeout by Ms. Stein, his son's teacher.
— Very Short Story (@VeryShortStory) January 14, 2013
no. 929 - @GuyEndoreKaiser
no. 928 - @calluptome
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank he can rob the world.
— Craving(@calluptome) November 30, 2011
no. 927 - @JustASmirk
Curves are what turns a girl into a woman. If I wanted to see your ribs I'd ask for an X-ray.
— Judd Nelson (@JustASmirk) April 17, 2012
no. 926 - @BillMc7
Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) December 9, 2010
no. 925 - @MiahSaint
IMAGE: a rhino trots up with a selection of donuts on his horn. u wanted cream-filled but are a good-natured soul & realize his limitations.
— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) June 9, 2012
no. 924 - @jenstatsky
~Illustrated by:Â Francis Anderson~
A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) October 5, 2012
no. 923 - @anjeanettec
~Illustrated by:Â Francis Anderson~
Nothing is more terrifying than another human being walking toward you with a smile and a clipboard.
— Anjeanette Carter (@anjeanettec) April 28, 2012
no. 922 - @bergified
Robert De Niro addresses a stuffed owl in his passenger seat: "You talkin' to me?" The owl says nothing. - Taxidermy Driver (1976)
— Brother Berg (@bergified) November 16, 2012
