Bible Verses Where the Word “Philistines” Has Been Replaced with “Haters”

(Image: Júlio Ferreira)

Why worry? Philistines are gonna Philistine. So, as Taylor Swift advises, shake it off.

The great humor writer Molly Ortberg has previously brought us an Ayn Rand version of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and stereotypical comments in recipe blogs. Most recently, she went through a Bible and replaced the word “Philistine” with the word “hater.” It totally works. Here’s a description of Abraham:

Genesis 26:14
“He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the haters envied him.”

The word appears a lot in the Book of Judges as the Israelite hero Samson deals with the Philistines:

Judges 14:3
“His father and mother replied, ‘Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised haters to get a wife?’” […]

Judges 15:12
“They said to him, ‘We’ve come to tie you up and hand you over to the haters.'”

Judges 16:9
“With men hidden in the room, she called to him, ‘Samson, the haters are upon you!’ But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered.”

Judges 16:30
“And Samson cried, ‘Let me die with the haters!’ And he bowed himself mightily, and the house fell upon the princes and upon all the people that were in it. So the dead whom he slew at his death were more than they whom he slew in his life.”

-via Joe Carter

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