Squirrel Underpants: The Saga Continues

Update 7/26/09 - As promised in the previous post in the Squirrel Underpants saga, the best reply to the original letter by Deborah & Wayne wins a free novelty ice tray from the NeatoShop. Congratulations to lunarmagpie who wrote the eloquent reply!

... and we have a reply from Deborah & Wayne:

To the several it apparently concerns:

Thank you to everyone for the helpful suggestions. We are grateful for the attention our order has received from your diligent staff.

We have taken many of the suggestions under advisement, and all of the lab technicians here at the sartorial squirrel division of dressyourrodentforsuccess.com have been busy testing the results. Our first test employed the suggestion of flipping the urination flap to the rear and threading the tail through the hole. This solution was found to be acceptable by 51% of the squirrel population, who are accustomed to removing their underwear and sitting to urinate. The remaining 49% found it emasculating to have to pull the underpants off and “pee like a girl.” In addition, there were complaints that we think had something to do with nuts, but these were hard to decipher due to the strange high pitch in which they were uttered. Chafing was reported in a mere 13.3% of the sample, while wedgies were a very deep concern in an alarming 67% of cases. Discomfort aside, squirrels are, as you know, a vain bunch, and the top complaint, affecting 100% of study participants, was the unattractive mark left by the elastic waistband on their pinned tails, likened by the males to the marks that remained on their ankles when they removed their socks, and referred to by females as a “Barbie dent” when a ponytail holder is removed from one’s hair.

We have concluded that the variability of tail set could be easily accommodated with a vertical button-hole slit.

We are happy to report that only one squirrel was harmed during the testing; fortunately, we always have our “guinea pigs” sign consent forms in advance.

Rabbits, rats and mice showed similar results to squirrels in preliminary tests. Unfortunately, due to the rarity of prairie dogs in our region, they can be quite picky about what sort of employment they accept, and will only do runway or print work for our brochures. Not one has been willing to be a fit-model under laboratory conditions.

Just as we began the ferret phase of our trials, there was an incident that necessitated summoning the assistance of the fire department. After they arrived and employed the “jaws of life” (which, given all the frantic flailing could easily have become the jaws of death) the ferret was freed, but all of the pieces of the underpants, sadly, cannot be put back together again, as the horses and men of this town are all thumbs.

Of course, we realize that we have voided our warranty by using the underpants on rodents of the non-squirrel variety, and thus have left ourselves without recourse other than to appeal to your sense of honor and respect for our common cause.

We understand the expense that would be involved in a recall of this magnitude; therefore, our suggestion is that you add the rear-view image to the product page so that others may see the sans-tail-holed squirrel underpants for themselves and make a fully informed choice. However, we must say that at the sale price, these are an exceptionally good deal for defective squirrel pants. Will you be coming out with anything specifically designed for the ladies, or for couples? We suggest something edible. Please do keep us apprised of the developments, and of course, we would be happy to work with you on the designs as per our availability. We are very busy during this time of year, as you may be aware that we are the only facility of our kind outside of Beatrix Labs in Cumbria, England.

To those who have called our sanity or treatment of squirrels into question, we know not what reassurances we can offer if our first letter did not convince you of our sincere effort and devotion in the cause of anthropomorphizing little furry animals for human entertainment. Belittling our work is offensive to our illustrious clientele, who range from the multinational dresslikeyourpet.org and Pet-e-Coats inc. to mom and pop operations such as piratepets.biz.

Best Wishes,

Deborah and Wayne


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"Just as we began the ferret phase of our trials, there was an incident that necessitated summoning the assistance of the fire department. After they arrived and employed the “jaws of life” (which, given all the frantic flailing could easily have become the jaws of death) the ferret was freed, but all of the pieces of the underpants, sadly, cannot be put back together again, as the horses and men of this town are all thumbs."

This has got to be one of the funniest paragraphs I've ever read.
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