Caption Monkey 60: Mmm, Dude ... What ARE You Doing?

Posted by Alex in Caption Monkey on June 16, 2009 at 7:57 am

Photo: Vasily Fedosenko/Reuters

Every month, National Geographic publishes a very neat photo gallery called Vision of Earth. This particular one, from the June 2009 selection (third pic, you can see the uncensored version there – warning: clear shot of the behind of a naked, 69-year-old man):

Belarus—Naked on an 18°F day, Valentsin Tolkachev clears an icy canal for swimming. The 69-year-old started the Optimalists—a Minsk-based club with 200-some members—in 1989 to promote hale activities in rural settings.

Your task, after you wash your eyes, is to caption the photo. Funniest one will win a custom black and white Monkey drawing by Adam Koford. Place your caption in the comment section of this post – one caption per comment, please, though you can enter as many funny ones as you can think of. Good luck!

Update 6/19/09 – Adam has picked the winner! Congratulations to jj who won with this caption: The season’s first snow always reminds me of my childhood, of crazy Uncle Hank teaching me to swim like a man.

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Tags: Belarus, icy canal, Optimalist, Valentsin Tolkachev

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COMMENT

106 comments to "Caption Monkey 60: Mmm, Dude ... What ARE You Doing?"

matos1016
June 16th, 2009 at 8:12 am
You're doing it wrong.
Tim Giachetti
June 16th, 2009 at 8:14 am
"Damn, cold! Now where did my wang drift to when it fell off?"
matos1016
June 16th, 2009 at 8:16 am
"No I'm not cold, it's always that big."
Jamie
June 16th, 2009 at 8:29 am
"Just whistle while you work! Put on that grin and start right in to whistle loud and long!"
nubby
June 16th, 2009 at 8:37 am
"Thank goodness for global warming!"
PaperCat
June 16th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I don't care how big the fish was! Get out of the bloody water!
Scotchdrnkr
June 16th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Now my wife tells me she dropped her wedding ring in the lake last summer.
Maceo
June 16th, 2009 at 8:50 am
"Go get a Christmas tree," she said. "The river is certainly froze over," she said. How was I to know that she'd be wrong and I should've worn my waders?
Dale
June 16th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Larry, president of the Nudist Club, still didn't believe in buying ice from the store for his get togethers.
dutchboy
June 16th, 2009 at 9:00 am
As a male you have not lived till you chop with an axe naked.
cuimhne
June 16th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Not a caption entry, just like to say how sad it is that you feel the need to tell people to "wash your eyes" after looking at the image. Is the older body so distasteful? I am actually impressed with him and the strength in his body. What on earth would you say about the average 69 year old's body?
phoghat
June 16th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Ah! There's the damn fish!
Copperkid
June 16th, 2009 at 9:11 am
In old age the men of Belarus have resorted to the cryogenic freezing of their erections for use in the warmer months.
Daedren
June 16th, 2009 at 9:19 am
After a few droughts of mead, 69 year-old Sven Holgersson of Norrköping, Sweden tries his hand at the ancient art of Viking Axe Fishing.
marcus
June 16th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Shrinkage? I'll show you some shrinkage!
taraj
June 16th, 2009 at 9:40 am
The axe is not half as effective as the beans I ate last night.
moop2000
June 16th, 2009 at 9:58 am
He has named his axe "Reply", since it helps quiet those who make a "shrinkage" joke!
PaulVI
June 16th, 2009 at 10:02 am
That muskie got my clothes!
PaulVI
June 16th, 2009 at 10:02 am
What 'naked'? I'm wearing this 'censored' box.
PaulVI
June 16th, 2009 at 10:03 am
This is my ticket to internet fame!
Jeff Lynch
June 16th, 2009 at 10:10 am
"Where the HECK did the sun go this time!!?"
SweetMonkeyCreek
June 16th, 2009 at 10:24 am
No matter how cold it is, Bjorn proves that he can still whack it just fine.
spider86
June 16th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Die zombies DIE!!!
Alan
June 16th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Scene from The Shining 2: "Heeeeeeere's Johnny. Brrrr."
CreamTrumpet
June 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
What an ice hole!
CreamTrumpet
June 16th, 2009 at 11:15 am
My chopper is normally bigger. Must be the cold.
Francisco Luna
June 16th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Global warming better hurries up, I am getting tired of the same thing every year.....
Chris Radus
June 16th, 2009 at 11:42 am
No, No, I said HOT tub!!!
pwscott
June 16th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Use the right bait and they swim right up to ya. Whack!
pwscott
June 16th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Let go of my log you damn dirty beaver!!!
jj
June 16th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
The season's first snow always reminds me of my childhood, of crazy Uncle Hank teaching me to swim like a man.
Mr.Bigglesworth
June 16th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
On the next episode of Discovery Channel's Big Catch we'll show you how they go Ice Fishing in Poland...
mrsmojorisin
June 16th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
I shall save you my testicles!!!
jj
June 16th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Good Daiqaris start with pristine, untainted ice.
Crash_171
June 16th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
And she told me not to come back till I found some wood.
artbot
June 16th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Agree with #11. There's nothing gross or unsightly about this pic at all. Yeah' it's a curiosity, for sure, but that dude is fit as hell and looks like he could kick just about any 30 year old's ass. Let's lay off the old folk bashing, huh? I hope I'm half that fit and able at his age.
gimpy
June 16th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
How do you molest a polar bear?
Get naked, cut a hole in the ice and then pour a can of peas in the hole.
When the polar bear leans over to take a pea kick him in the ice hole!
Mowog
June 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Oi! Are you sure Abe Lincoln got his start this way?
Connie
June 16th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Chief Axe-A-Lot performs an ancient Alaskan mating ritual to ensure a great fishing season.
Fuzz
June 16th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
"The Shining 2. Jack is back, and he's had just about enough of those ghostly ice trout."
stucker
June 16th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Sure its cold, but look at the size of his chopper!
catsvillage
June 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
I'm a Lumber Jack and I'm Okay... I drink all night and chop all day....
pakopako
June 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Ice. Axes. Gratuitous nudity. Mind bleach.
So disturbing you want to turn away, yet at the same time so confounding that you can't.
(Heh. I doubt anyone can top CreamTrumpet's "Ice Hole" remark.)

"Long distance phone call to your in-laws about going to their place for Christmas: $40. Buying tickets to your in-laws in Minsk: $600. Buying a shovel to bury your in-law's clothes in the snow: $12. Replacing said shovel with an axe and watching them try to hack their clothes out: Priceless."

"I'm telling you, I'm going after that fish that stole my underwear!"

"And here is how the caveman hunted in Ice-Age 3..."

"The Soviet Russian version of the 'Axe-effect'."
Geoff
June 16th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
That's not how i would deal with morning wood.
stucker
June 16th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Test Icicle
stucker
June 16th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Norwegian Wood
stucker
June 16th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
bet that guys got Norwegian Wood
Bogey
June 16th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
"Seriously Frank, just use some salmon eggs"
Drew2
June 16th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
And here we have the latest results from Mr. Let's Do Something Stupid Today.
Drew2
June 16th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Some of you may call it retarded, others may say idiotic or even crazy. Here, we just like to call it entertainment.
Jessica
June 16th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
"I'll teach you to kick me in the ice hole!"
Matt
June 16th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
A little known facts. At the beginning of the polar bear plunge, One man is chosen at random to break open the ice so that everybody else can swim in the river in winter. If he can do this while naked and not die. He wins a six pack of beer from the bar.
Matt
June 16th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Sadly, This is how Bob earned the nickname "Ken Doll."
RogTur
June 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Both options are an ineffective way to get wood.
Eric Kornblum
June 16th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
"That's the last time that b$%@& starches my underwear!"
cdogg
June 16th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
i'll gg-gget yyou fish ffor stealing mmy kn-knickers!
adivz
June 16th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
"OOOOiiiilllll Cannnnnn! OOOOooiiilllll Cannnnnnn", chattered the Skin Man, the first cousin of the Tin Man.
streetattack
June 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
ok, right before the fish bites you get it with the ax. Trust me this is more effective then using bait.
cdw
June 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
great, now I have two belly buttons
streetattack
June 16th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
In some rare cases, Viagra side effects include the stripping of ones clothes and brandishing of ones ax in freezing water.
MariV
June 16th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
*mumbles to himself* "Winter? Winter my a..!"
MariV
June 16th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
*thinking to himself* "I better head back to the cabin, seems like it's getting a bit chilly around here..."
MariV
June 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
*chuckling to himself* "Hah! And the doctors said I'd never be the same after that brush with pneumonia last winter!"
MariV
June 16th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
"Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's off to work I go!"
Bogey
June 16th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
"Give him the axe. DON'T give him the axe! Ooooooooooooh."
specialfxguy04
June 16th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
So much for Moses: Parting the seas, one axe and two butt cheeks at a time.
Gonzo
June 16th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Die, zombie ice fish what done ate my clothes... DIE!!!
a. schneider
June 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
he meant to clear the canal earlier but got a "little behind"
Ben Pseudonym
June 16th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Drew from toothpastefordinner.com has another webcomic, where he captions photos like this, and it just so happens that he used this photo back in March.
http://www.superpoop.com/032409/ron-paul-on-ice.jpg

His caption: "On Thursday, US Representative Ron Paul (R-TX) spent three hours in the nude, breaking the ice in a frozen lake with an axe. When asked about the brutal ice attack, Rep. Paul's spokesman replied, "DON'T TREAD ON ME!" and hung up."
Chunkie
June 16th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
After joining a nudist colony and becoming the town fisherman, joe realised that fishing poles were not allowed.
Chunkie
June 16th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Ice: your doing it wrong.
SenorMysterioso
June 16th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
re: wash your eyes

It was a joke people, relax
SenorMysterioso
June 16th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
After four hours with an erection Mr. Tolkachev called his doctor as directed, he was not amused by the treatment plan.
seeker153
June 16th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Fishing the old fashion way.

This is how freezing your nuts off is done!!!
menotyou
June 16th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Bob was mad when he didn't realize people on the banks were just commenting on his giant axe-hole.
Ambi
June 16th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Hey honey, it looks like old Mister Cutter pissed off his wife again!
jm1656
June 16th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Old man Golbal Warming is just gettin started.
Don Newbury
June 16th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Maaaa! Grandpa's drunk again!
tammy
June 16th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
ohhh you said ICE fishing....
nick
June 16th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Here's Johnny !!!
JohnC
June 16th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
A bet's a bet, and Valentsin honored it. As he did so, he resolved to never again stop in for a pint at the Naked Lumberjack.
Tui
June 16th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Valentsin models a fur-lined censored box for an outdoors-wear winter catalogue. Available in small, and extra small.
NeryO
June 17th, 2009 at 12:43 am
A quick way to turn an "outie" into an "innie"
Jaco Slabbert
June 17th, 2009 at 8:29 am
"It's getting even more difficult to get rid of dead hookers these days"
CreamTrumpet
June 17th, 2009 at 9:10 am
"If you can think of a better way to get ice cubes, please tell me."
CreamTrumpet
June 17th, 2009 at 9:12 am
*sings* "I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."
CreamTrumpet
June 17th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Ahh, so this is how slushy drinks are made.
MariV
June 17th, 2009 at 10:23 am
After grandpa Valentsin was done with all the chopping, he realized a "little" something was missing... his clothes!
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:27 am
"Just park right next to the sauna on the ice," they said. "It's perfectly safe," they said. "Leave your clothes in the car," they said. "When I find my car, I'm going to show them just how safe this ax is."
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:28 am
"It's a Coen brothers movie," they said. "You should audition. It will be fun."
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Come on in. The water's fine.
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Valentsin Tolkachev learned later that the guys ate mushrooms for other reasons than nutrition.
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:33 am
"If they vote me off the island after this, there will be hell to pay."
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:33 am
"If only Svetlana could see me now."
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:34 am
"After this, I never want to hear the words ice and cocktails again."
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:35 am
"A couple more steps and I won't care about anything anymore."
Brett Carter
June 17th, 2009 at 10:35 am
"All I get for this is a monkey?"
IJustSmileandNod
June 17th, 2009 at 10:54 am
*muttering* this is the last time I ever bet on the red wings, or any team from Michigan!
IJustSmileandNod
June 17th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Valentsin stopped drinking with the Skotchev twins, and sold his digital camera after his grand kids saw this picture of him on Facebook.
Gartser
June 17th, 2009 at 11:55 am
2 fifths of vodka, 700 rubles

Axe,500 rubles.

Attempting to find a tree to chop down while standing naked in a frozen pond after consuming the vodka? priceless.
IJustSmileandNod
June 17th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
doctors are now documenting this new kind of "blue balls" disease
DOJ
June 18th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Fishing with axe and worm.
Aramax
June 18th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
"Extreme noodling has claimed it's first victim today. Experts agree that this kind of activity is not for the faint of heart."
pakopako
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:59 pm
"And now back to Dave on ESPN7..."

"Tragedy struck a Siberian nudist colony today..."

"...and this is why outdoor golf never made it big in Greenland."
pakopako
June 29th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
From the Old Person's Home in Siberia, here is short viewings their presentation of popular American big-movie:

"??????? ??????!"
pakopako
June 29th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Hmm. It looks like "?????? ??????" won't appear.

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Caption Monkey 60: Mmm, Dude ... What ARE You Doing?

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