How to Profit From the Coming Rapture

Posted by Alex in Book & Lit, Religion on December 28, 2008 at 2:15 pm


At first I thought this was a tongue-in-cheek photoshopped book cover, but How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You’re Left Behind is actually a real book.

Well, actually make that a fake real book. It’s a made up, satirical how-to book by Steve and Evie Levy, who wrote:

Are the end times near? Is the Rapture really just around the corner? Could Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson possibly be right? About 1 billion people among us believe, yes, absolutely.

And that means one thing: investment opportunities!

For those who are not as expertly versed in the Book of Revelation, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, helpfully offer both illumination and advice: What exactly is the Rapture, anyway? How is it different from the Tribulation? Who are the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen, and the 144,000 male virgins, and what do they want? And, most important, how can I make money during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armaggedon?

Taking the familiar form of a how-to investment guide, HOW TO PROFIT FROM THE COMING RAPTURE instructs those readers who will certainly be left behind (Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, less ardent Protestants, and many more) on how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.

Link – via Information Junk


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COMMENT

16 comments to "How to Profit From the Coming Rapture"

  1. Gauldar
    December 28th, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    Excelent reading to supplement The Zombie Survival Guide

  2. Larfin Jackarse
    December 28th, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    Ok....I post my first possible comment that may get deleted.

    First up let me declare my interest in saying that I don't believe in any invisible friends and those that do should see a psychiatrist, especially Scientologists.

    Now, this is a book by two Jews taking the piss out of someone else's religion? If this was two rapture, end-time believers printing a book that was making light of Moshiach etc; would it be neat?

  3. Johnny Cat
    December 28th, 2008 at 5:31 pm

    I would open a niche clothing store, after collecting as many left-behind outfits as I could.

  4. sigh
    December 28th, 2008 at 9:01 pm

    But Johnny Cat, who would wear THAT?

  5. liphttam1
    December 28th, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    I don't believe that. Why would god just destroy earth? All reasons inprobable.

  6. DOJ
    December 28th, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    Open a bank for Christians and when they leave, you keep the deposits.

  7. Skipweasel
    December 29th, 2008 at 12:00 am

    DOJ:- Call it RaptorCorp and hope no one spots the spelling?

  8. Easy
    December 29th, 2008 at 12:18 am

    Open a fast food joint! Cos for those 7 years all those who may be leaving sure as HELL aren't going to worry about their fat intake.

  9. Larfin Jackarse
    December 29th, 2008 at 1:30 am

    @8 Easy: nope sorry, gluttony is a sin; no rapture for you.

  10. zav
    December 29th, 2008 at 3:00 am

    Simply awesome. I need more of those Jesus scented candles.

  11. Raven
    December 29th, 2008 at 11:52 am

    @Larfin:

    Everyone who thinks the world will end by supernatural means should be made fun of. Apocalyptic fundamentalist Christians are just the most relevant to Americans.

  12. Steohawk
    December 29th, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    Some religious zealots, who can't use reason to convince other people to adopt their beliefs, resort to intimidation. Now, compare these zealots to people like Larfin Jackarse, and you'll see that the similarities are striking.

  13. GailW
    December 29th, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    Funny!

  14. Alejo Hausner
    December 29th, 2008 at 5:31 pm

    I kinda liked Larfin Jackarse's comment, and I also would understand why he/she thought it might get deleted. And it does hold a grain of truth.

    I really hate to post political opinions on Neatorama, which is a lighthearted forum. But, Larfin has a point: parodying Christians who preach coming of the Messiah is considered a joke, but parodying Jews who preach the coming of the Messiah is considered antisemitism (unless the parodist is a Jew, in which case it will be considered self-loathing).

    Heck, even criticizing the policies of the government of Israel (which is not a religious entity) will lead to loud cries of antisemitism. Just try it on any online forum and you'll see the result.

    Alejo

  15. violet
    December 29th, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    Yes!! There's also a website that you can pay into now, pre-rapture, that will then messages to your loved ones left behind after the big, you know, whatever. So good.

    Do people who believe in the rapture really Believe in the rapture? Know what I mean? Seems like it would take a pretty hefty degree of willful self-deception even for the "faithful." But I suppose your self-deception muscles are nice and strong if you already believe the earth is like, 6 weeks old and stuff.

  16. exarch
    December 31st, 2008 at 7:15 am

    1 billion people raptured?

    I think someone is blowing their figures up. Way up.
    I bet you'll have trouble even finding a few million fundie X-tians who truly believe in the rapture.

    Sure, they are very loud and obnoxious on the internet, which may make it seem like there's a lot more of them. But seriously? 1 billion?


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